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HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY 06.11.2001 A train is stopped at the station and there is commotion at the front. People wave their arms and the conductor looks rather agitated. Inches from the front is a man of medium height and build who is clenching his eyes and jaw tightly preparing for the impact. None seems imminent. CONDUCTOR Get out'ta da way of the train, genius! Move out'ta da way! MAN Just run me over. Please! CONDUCTOR I'm not gonna run you ovah. MAN Please! CONDUCTOR You deaf! Even if I wanted ta, and believe me I'm thinking, I still couldn't. I got a schedule, now move! PASSENGER (to the conductor) Can't you just go and let him move out of the way? CONDUCTOR What? You tell'n me how ta do my job now? PASSENGER No. CONDUCTOR What? PASSENGER No. CONDUCTOR What? PASSENGER No. CONDUCTOR That's what I thought. Now take a goddamn seat and shut up. (To the man on the tracks) Now buddy, you're making me late and hold'n up all these people. MAN (Sobbing) I'm sorry! It's just that. It's just... CONDUCTOR (Giving in and vaguely concerned) It's just what? MAN (Still sobbing) It's just that it's my birthday and I can't take it anymore. I've hated birthdays since I was twelve. EXT - SUBURBAN FRONT LAWN On the porch in front of the house a slight boy sits crying as he looks at the colored balloons that are tied to the mailbox. Around the door and front windows are decorations. The little boy is wearing a purple hat with "Birthday Boy" written in silver glitter. From inside his father, a big man with a pack of Marlboro Reds sits down next to his son and quietly smokes a cigarette. FATHER Tough day, kid? KID (Answers with a choked cry) FATHER Well, you know, I hate that you had to learn it this early, but you were going to have to learn it some time. The lesson is this: people don't give a shit about you, much less your goddamned birthday. It's not like you're Jesus fucking Christ. KID (Looks at his father with tears streaming down his red swollen face) But why? They were my friends! FATHER The only true friends a man has is a bottle of Scotch or a dog. Know this kid, and you'll be much better off. INT - NO 6 LINE SUBWAY STATION, NY CONDUCTOR So what's da problem? MAN My girlfriend took my dog and I'm all out of Scotch. I don't have a thing! CONDUCTOR Guy, look... (The conductor scratches his head and tries to figure out the best way to put it) Things could be a lot worse, ya know? You could live in Jersey! MAN I do live in Jersey! CONDUCTOR Maybe I'd better just run you over then. MAIL this to a friend. They'll thank you for it later. | |