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GOD ANSWERS BACK 02.05.2001 Editor's Note: The following occurred the night of January 31st after an extremely successful endeavor to drink more than the bartender at a local New York bar. It was recorded by various devises left running to track intruders and black mail friends who confess embarrassing details of their life at the wrong time. Colin Ferm: Dear lord, please forgive my consumption of too much alcohol tonight and let me not fear the hangover which will undoubtedly come...GOD: I AM THE LORD GOD IN ALL HIS MAJESTY AND I SAY TO YOU COLIN FERM, "NO." CF: God? Is that really you? GOD: YES. CF: I didn't really intend on a response. I was just saying a prayer so I could curse you for not responding. GOD: WELL, CHILD, NOW I HAVE. YOU MAY GO TO SLEEP NOW AND WAKE IN THE MORN TO SPREAD MY GLORY TO THE WORLD AFTER THE ACHING HAS SUBSIDED. CF: Sounds like a good deal, but can I sneak in a few questions before you go about doing what it is, you know, God does? GOD: MAKE IT QUICK. CF:Wow, okay, through out history, what's the one thing you regret having done or not done? GOD: I DON'T FEEL REGRET, I AM YOUR GOD ALMIGHTY. I AM A KIND GOD. WHAT I DO OR DO NOT DO IS NOT FOR MAN TO UNDERSTAND. CF: Clearly, but if you could go back and fix something, what would it have been? GOD: I THINK I WOULD HAVE GIVEN THE DODO BIRD A BETTER IMMUNE SYSTEM. CF: That's it? That's what you'd fix? GOD: WHAT? BECAUSE IT'S NOT HUMAN? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SPECIAL? IF YOU SAY "REASON," I'LL SMITE YOU WHERE YOU STAND. CF: No. No. I just wouldn't have figured, that's it. GOD: GOOD. CF: So okay, if you could give up this whole "God" thing and spend a day on Earth, what would be the first thing you did? GOD: YOU ASSUME I'M UNHAPPY BEING GOD. CF: No, it's merely a question. What would you do? GOD: IT'S NOT SOMETHING I'VE EVER THOUGHT ABOUT... IT'S SOMETHING I'VE NEVER NEEDED TO THINK ABOUT. WHY DO YOU DOUBT ME? CF: Hey, you're in front of me man. Why would I doubt? GOD: (quiet for a few minutes) MAINE. CF: I should doubt you because of Maine? GOD: NO. I WOULD MOVE TO MAINE AND LIVE A QUIET LIFE IN A NICE LITTLE HOME. CF: Why Maine? GOD: WHY NOT! I AM A LOVING GOD, BUT I AM ALSO A VENGEFUL... CF: Yeah, but why Maine? Why not, you know, New Hampshire or something? GOD: NO ONE WOULD THINK TO LOOK FOR ME IN MAINE. CF: Well, that's the last place I'd go. GOD: I'M WELL AWARE OF THAT. I MUST NOW GO, BUT FIRST, YOU REALLY SHOULD NOT BE LISTENING TO BOSSANOVA. CF: Sacrilegious? GOD: SURFER ROSA WAS A MUCH BETTER ALBUM. That kind of says it all. MAIL this to a friend. They'll thank you for it later. | |