01.22.2007
Some of spudWorks' most loyal readers will notice that the site isn't updated with the frequency of the halcyon days of 2000-2001. Part of this is out of sheer laziness and part of this is because I, Colin Ferm, President and CEO of spudWorks, have been working on other projects.
"But you have a staff of one hundred," my readers whine.
Yes, this is true. But they're a lackluster bunch. They play computer games all day long and read comic books with naughty words. No, all of the writing on this site is done by one man, me. And I've been writing science fiction.
Yes. Science Fiction.
"But if you're actually writing... then why isn't it posted on spudWorks for the rest of us to enjoy," my readers cry.
Because if I ever want to sell a book, I need a few short story credits that I didn't publish on my own. You see, these days publishing anything on a public website is actually considered "publishing". Mull that one over for a second. As such, the stories that I've been laboring over while my employees figure out new ways to rob the vending machines must be kept offline until someone else either publishes it or it has exhausted all of the avenues available.
When they are though, they will be posted here. Unless I get a better offer.
In researching the science fiction writing markets however, I have stumbled across some interesting and horrifying trends. Go to your local book seller or spend five minutes on the internet and you will notice the same.
"What are these trends," my readers winge.
They are:
- Dragons - Yes, dragons. In Sci-Fi. What. The. Fuck? When did dragons cross the genre barrier and why do people allow it?
- Psychics - If I read another fucking story about humanity developing a mutation and that mutation is the ability to read minds, I'll shoot randomly out my window like Matilda in Leon.
- Any Human Mutation For That Matter - Unless we're talking hundreds of thousands of years in the future and evolution has had some time to work its magic, just fucking cut it out, okay? This doesn't even touch on the idea that humanity, because of technology, is now "post-biological evolution". And if it's hundreds of thousands of years in the future, things had better be radically fucking different than they are now. I'm just saying.
- Weapons That Will Save/Destroy The UNIVERSE - Seriously? I mean... seriously? Can we just take a step back and think about how important humanity is to the universe? If tomorrow, we all died on Earth, the universe wouldn't even blink. It would be bad for us but that's it. So what's with this saving or destroying the universe? More than anything, it seems like a cheap attempt to score an epic when the real drama is and always will be on the personal level. Fuck man, the badest weapon ever created was the Death Star and even that could only destroy one planet at a time.
- Star Wars/Star Trek Rip-Offs - This isn't so much a problem with most published sci-fi, although there is still plenty. No one loves Star Trek (well... The Next Generation anyway) and Star Wars (but only the original three) more than me but they've been done. Finished. Over. If there's a federation of planets, do something new. If there's an evil empire, spend some time on it. People don't just join some federation because it seems like a nifty idea. Look at how much trouble the EU is having with its constitution. And people don't just fight against an empire because they're bored that week. Yes, it worked in the movies and TV shows but then they're exactly that. People can sit down and eat or look at porn while it's playing in the background. If you're going to ask people to do nothing else but read your story I think it's only fair to give them a reason why the federation needs to be saved or the empire destroyed. And never forget that one person's federation is another person's empire.
- Psychic Girls On Dragons With Weapons That Will Save/Destroy The Universe - Oh yes. It exists. And when it's put like that, it sounds just as stupid as it actually is.
There are some things that I'll usually give a pass on, such as:
- Aliens - Some people like them, some people don't. I don't because they usually come off as one dimensional and used as a reflection of a single trait of human society. My feeling is that if the story is going to involve aliens, they need to be alien. I think humanity has enough to deal with by its self and prefer to leave the aliens out.
- Faster Than Light Travel - It makes telling the story easier than putting people into comas and dealing with the hundreds of years it would take to move around space, not to mention the time issues involved with speed and gravity. It's a crutch. But it's a good one. And why not? I mean, considering how limited our knowledge is, who's to say that it one day might not become possible? As far as we know now it's not, but what about tomorrow? Anyone who gets hung up on FTL is probably the same kind of person who wants to be the designated driver at a party.
- Artificial Gravity - Whatever. If you can deal with FTL, artificial gravity should be simple.
- Garden Universe - This might go hand in hand with aliens but it deserves its own because some people complain that some stories have too many habitable worlds. I get it. It makes sense. But keeping humanity bound to Earth just seems kind of dull. Garden Universes has the same strengths and weaknesses as aliens. If used right, it can be good. If used poorly, it can be... well... poor. If it is used though, I think some science should be inserted. It's pretty unlikely to have a single world orbiting a star that's habitable. Usually there has to be a gas giant to act as a comet catcher. And that's the most basic level. Consider how complicated and diverse the Sol system is. If someone is going to make another system with a world we could live on, it should be no less complicated.
- Sci-Fi Sub Genres - People complain about "space operas" or "space westerns" or whatever. Why? These genres exist because people like them. And as long as it's not about finding the weapon that will save or destroy the universe, who cares? Drama is good. Operas are, if nothing else, dramatic. Maybe overly so but, when tamed, fun. Westerns are fun. If humanity colonizes another world and government is far far away, why wouldn't it be at least sort of reminiscent of the old west? Especially when you consider that there would be none of the manufacturing base available on a mature world like Earth. I'm not saying that it should be exactly like the old west but a little seems to make a little sense.
It seems like too many sci-fi stories are either utopias - boring - or cyberpunk - so fucking done - or basically high fantasy set in space - I don't get it and don't want to.
"So what are yours about then," my readers jazzercise.
Tough titty, kitty. You're just going to have to wait and see. Suffice it to say, it has a history book already written for it - with footnotes and everything - and more statistical data sheets outlining various aspects than you'd ever want to see. A Pop Culture Almanac is in the works but that's slow going. In the meantime, a dozen short stories have been written and are floating around looking for a magazine crazy enough to publish them.
With that, I leave you, my dear readers, to return to your lives. To toil for The Man. And to re-read the spudWorks archives. Because, when was the last time you did that?
Colin Ferm - President & CEO