10.01.2001
Wade was my older brother who had made a decision at some point not ever to age past twenty-one. The fact that he was now thirty-three made the choice seem all the more stunted. He'd run off and disappeared at eighteen and made brief appearances now and again at either my or my twin sister's apartment looking for a place to sleep or a place to eat or sometimes both for a couple of days before running off to where ever he went where neither she nor I could find him if we even wanted to. For all we knew it could be the last time we saw him, so it was always made a family event; a brief couple of days when all the Coupland children were reunited. We were all that were left of our clan, our mother having died when we where kids, and our father doing the same not long after Jen and I completed college. Each time Wade resurfaced was an important one.
As Jen and I cleaned out our father's house in Minneapolis and were in the midst of preparing to move to New York, we debated leaving some kind of forwarding address for Wade to find us. The problem we had was who were we to leave an address with when we didn't even have one yet. Finally, Jen took the initiative and blanked our closest neighbors with the information that we were heading east and, should Wade come looking, we would be in New York. A little over a year after that he showed up at the apartment the two of us were sharing and knocked on the door like no time had passed. He asked about the old man's passing and apologized that he wasn't there but offered no explanation, and neither she nor I asked for one.
Years later, after Jen and I had found separate residences, she announced that she and her boyfriend had become engaged. They had been seeing each other for sometime, which when added together, equaled almost two years and I was happy for her. Her man, Rod, was a good guy, clean cut, always freshly shaven, and from what I'd seen, fairly responsible. He was the perfect mate for her and everyone was happy. I was over at her place on the Upper West Side having a beer while the two of them filled out invitations for the ceremony at a small protestant church in the neighborhood when I noticed that they'd made one out for our older brother, though it lay off to the side with a stamp of a heart and the word "love" wrapped around it but without an address. I picked it up and chuckled. Rod gave an embarrassed shrug and innocent smile. Jen didn't even look up. She simply shook her head and continued addressing the one she was working one. It had been almost a year and a half since we last saw him which was one of the longest stretches he'd gone without communication.
It was a day before the wedding when he finally did reappear.
"Wade!" I said opening the door and giving him a hug.
"Hey, little brother," he said patting my back. "I guess our sister's growing up on us, huh?"
"So, you know she's getting married?" I asked surprised that he had any idea what was going on with the family.
"Yeah," he said with a sigh, sneaking past me and opening the fridge, pulling out a beer, popping the top on the counter with a swift strike. "I stopped there first looking for a place to crash for a few days and her guy, what's-his-name..."
"Rod?"
"Yeah. That's it. He told me that now wasn't a real good time and gave me the quick rundown."
"Well, you know you're always welcome to stay here," I offered. "That couch folds out and I'm told it's pretty comfortable."
"Thanks little brother."
I led him to the couch and offered him a seat but he declined, instead sinking deep into the armchair I purchased from a friend for a hundred dollars that was ugly as sin but very very comfortable. I sat down on the sofa myself.
"So are you going to go to the wedding?" I asked.
"I don't know if I'm even invited," he said, kicking his shoes off across the room then tossing his feet up onto my coffee table, scattering a few magazines onto the floor.
"Sure you are. I know she's got an invitation made out, she just didn't know where to send it is all."
"I don't think I've got anything appropriate to wear."
"You could borrow one of my suits. I think we're probably the same size."
"Naw," he said smiling with his eyes closed. "Suits aren't really my thing. What we ought to do is take that guy out for one last night of drinks before Jen puts on the leash."
"Rod's sober," I said. "He goes to A.A. once a week. I don't think that it'd be a real good idea, Wade."
"I don't trust anyone who claims to be sober," he remarked and I waited for his sly grin to show me that he was joking but instead he continued. "I knew this guy in New Mexico who said he was sober and goddamn if he wasn't an asshole."
"But did he drink?"
Wade thought about it for a moment then said, "You know? I don't think I ever saw that guy with even so much as a beer."
"Well, that's the difference," I said reluctantly to my older brother. "Being sober doesn't rule out being a jerk, just drinking. Hence, sober."
"That makes sense," he said. "So should we take this Rob..."
"Rod," I corrected.
"...Rod guy out for drinks or what?"
I loved Wade. At one point the man had been my hero but like Jen, and though I was loathe to admit it, I started feeling recently like he was more of a spoiled younger brother rather than the first born. I would sometimes find myself lying awake, not able to sleep, and discover my mind drifting over to thoughts of him and what he'd done with his life up until now. Usually the thoughts were so depressing that I managed to put myself into a stupor thick enough to make me fall asleep and forget about it. Then whenever he showed up at my door, I found that I was usually too pleased with the fact that he wasn't dead to let the little things bother me. After all, if I only saw the guy every year or so, why ruin it?
On the day of Jen's wedding, after having let my brother drag me out for drinks the night before, I shook Wade and told him where and when the ceremony was going to be held, then left to help with my duties as a groomsman. The organist had already started the wedding march and the bridesmaids had commenced their trip down the aisle ahead of the bride by the time Wade decided to make his appearance through a side entrance with his date following closely behind. He was dressed in his usual blue jeans, beat up cowboy boots, and yellow leather jacket. Hardly appropriate, but more so than the woman who trudged up the side aisle behind him wearing jeans ripped at the knee, a beer and ketchup stained white t-shirt and sandals. Her hair probably hadn't been washed in a week and her eyes seemed dull behind all the runny makeup. I guessed that he had probably met her at his first stop of the day, a local dive bar that sold three dollar bottles or two-dollar draughts, and for some unknown reason thought that it would be fun to invite her to his little sister's wedding. The open bar at the reception was likely the real draw.
Though he tried to tread as lightly as possible, his boots still made loud clacking sounds on the stone floor and he was already sloppy from the unknown number of drinks he'd had. I looked over at Rod and he frowned at me as though it was my responsibility to keep him in line. I shrugged innocently and telepathically pulsed that no one could make Wade do something that he had no interest in. Rod was not impressed and I felt little daggers shoot through me every time Wade's date released a shrill giggle that echoed through the room, intensifying my embarrassment with the impact of the sound wave against the drums of my ears. When Jen was led up the aisle by Rod's father instead of our own, even she looked at me with a glance that said, "why aren't you doing something about this?" From my position at the alter I kept glancing over my shoulder and prayed to the cross that hung above that God would do something to stop them and prevent anything worse.
The prayer, however, fell upon deaf ears. For the most part the two of them were silent through the ceremony. Occasionally I'd hear Wade tapping his boots against the floor in time with a tune only he could hear and his date whisper in what could only be described as a volume for dinner conversation. It was always interrupted by her issuing a grunt from his elbow impacting her stomach when even he'd heard enough of her babble. The vows had been exchanged and we were less than five minutes from being in the clear when the pastor asked, "If there's anyone who knows why this man and this woman should not be married, please speak now." He paused for dramatic effect as though someone invited would actually try to stop it from going through and was ready to speak again when Wade's date leapt up from her seat to voice her opinion.
"I'd like to say something," she said. I could see my brother smiling in a rare moment of embarrassment while pulling on her arm to reseat her. "Stop it," she screamed and yanked her arm away from him. "I know that I don't know anybody here, but I know why these two people shouldn't get married."
The stunned audience, small as it was, created a void of silence that could have filled the Minneapolis Metrodome back home. We waited to hear why the ceremony should not continue before we stripped her limb from limb.
"Marriage is an outdated custom. A man and a woman don't have to get married to show their love. In fact, by not getting married, I think anyway, it shows a much deeper dedication to one another." She was slurring her words and I started to wonder how many drinks Wade had to buy her in order to get her to come. "I was going to be married once." She laughed a ridiculous, self-effacing laugh then continued. "I know what you're thinking. 'You were engaged once??' right? Well I was, and now I realize that it was stupid. Just because a guy's a real charmer, you know, like a real charmer? Well, that's no reason to get married. And just being in Las Vegas is an even worse one, if you ask me." She'd lost us by that point and the pastor looked like he was getting his voice ready to talk over her. Everyone else looked like they were starting to sharpen their Swiss Army Knives. Wade sat holding his head in his hands trying to believe that what was happening wasn't, but it was difficult, being as close to the vortex as he was. Jen was almost in tears. She was like most of the other girls we'd grown up with who dreamed of getting married since she was six and started subscribing to wedding magazines at sixteen. She had a vision of what her special day was going to be like and it never involved outbursts from her rogue older brother's date.
The glance that Rod gave me was like that of a Mafia don who orders a hit by the look in his eyes. I patted the groomsman next to me who was Rod's youngest brother and the two of us started walking towards the ranting girl and my brother to drag them both outside. Wade's date saw us coming and became more and more desperate to get to the point of her tirade that had so far missed its mark.
"But don't you see?" she cried. "This whole thing may just be a momentary need that won't solve the larger and, um, uh, things that, you know, you have going on in you life. Don't you know what I mean?" Rod's brother grabbed her roughly by the arm and started to drag the crazy girl towards the exit. I looked down at Wade and waited for him to look up at me. When he did, I just pointed with my finger in the direction that his date had been taken. For his part, he was very calm about it. He picked himself up like it was a great weight and trudged out to the sidewalk where Rod's brother was blocking the girl's re-entry to the ceremony. I relieved him and said that I'd deal with the two of them myself. The girl, upon seeing Wade, ran up to him and started to punch him furiously in the chest. He stood a full head over her and took the beating like it was nothing. It could have gone on all day had I not restrained her. Finally she calmed down and I let her loose. Once free, she just shook her oily hair as if to put it back in place, then started down the street to disappear back to where ever she came from. Wade couldn't even meet my eyes.
"What the fuck Wade?" I asked. I didn't feel angry as much as I was disappointed in what he had done. "What the fuck?" I sat on the steps of the church, resting my elbows on my knees. He didn't respond except to sit down next to me.
"You're going to ruin that nice tux sitting here on the ground like this," he said producing a pack of cigarettes from out of his jacket.
"You know, now's not the time to turn into an older brother."
He lit his smoke then offered me one. I declined, then thought about it and took one. He offered to light me but I decided that I would rather do it myself. "I'm sorry about what happened in there," he said. I found myself surprised by the sincerity of his tone and any anger that I had melted away leaving only disappointment. "I didn't think she would do that."
"No shit," I said. "What the hell were you doing bringing a barfly to our sister's wedding?"
He sat there for a minute, puffing on his cigarette, then responded, "I don't know. I guess I just didn't want to show up alone. I needed someone else."
"That's crap Wade. That's crap."
"Is it?"
"You know it is," I said feeling near hysterics myself. "The way you breeze in and out of places, you don't need anyone."
"Did I ever tell you about my kids," he asked with no pretension. He was like any father, bringing up the subject to a buddy at work, proud of their recent little league achievement. It struck me dumb and I sat in silence waiting for him tell me more. "Yeah," he said after a deep drag. "I've got two kids."
"I didn't know you were ever married," I said.
"I wasn't. I'm not. It was an accident. Both were. One was to a girl, a stripper in Texas I picked up and used to crash with every time I was in Houston. I showed up one time, after a year I guess, and there was this baby."
"Jesus," I said. "How old were you?"
"Twenty-three," he said dropping his butt to the ground and reaching for another. "I found out about the second one a week before coming here. That was to a girl I knew in California."
"Jesus," I said again.
"Fucking stupid, right? It was. I know. Anyway, when I showed up here and found out our sister was getting married, I guess I felt stupid. I knew I was going to go to the wedding and be the immature older brother with no clue who her friends and what's his name's..."
"Rod."
"Yeah, that Rod's friends would make fun of." I looked at my brother and, for the first time, noticed the crow's feet that had formed around his eyes. He was starting to look old and his face was sad. He just stared off into the distance and smoked his cigarette while he spoke. "I'm just not their kind of people. I guess I wanted someone around who would make me look like I was better than nothing."
"But you're family Wade. I mean, screw the rest of that," I said and held out my hand for another smoke. "You don't have to prove anything to us."
"Maybe," he said as he stood up and dusted off the seat of his pants. "Maybe." He looked up and down Amsterdam as if trying to figure out the next place to go. "Look," he said to me, placing a hand on my shoulder. "I'm going to take off again. I feel bad about this and I think I should probably get out of town before our sister comes out."
"Wade," I started but was unable to finish.
"I'll be back, maybe in a year or so and I promise to make this whole thing up to you and especially to her. Okay? Will you tell Jen that I'm sorry for what happened?"
"Come on Wade. Don't go. You don't have to."
"No," he said firmly, like our dad used to do to let us know that there was no way he was going to do something. "I think I should go. Tell Jen that I love her okay?"
"All right," was all I could say.
"I love you too little brother and I'll see you guys soon." Then Wade gave me a pat on the shoulder and started walking south, turning east at 71st and out of sight.
At the end of the reception, before my sister and her new husband leapt into their rented limousine and took off to Greece for their honeymoon, I passed on Wade's message. She hugged me and, though I could tell that she was still upset with him, she told me that it was okay.
For the next two years the two of us waited for him to return to New York so that the three of us could put the event at Jen's wedding behind us and continue as a family, but Wade never returned. Around the same each year, I would start to wonder if it was time for his reappearance, but then the season would pass and a new one would begin without him knocking at my door and I would tuck away the expectation until the next year. It was ten years after the ceremony when I finally gave up on the idea of him ever coming back.