spudWorks

NEWS: For those of you who may have been unlucky enough to have visited this website in the last... oh... five years, you've probably seen that I haven't updated it a whole hell of a lot.

It's not that I haven't been working on stuff, it's just that I haven't been working on this.

But! I do have a new project, if science-fiction is your thing. It's called the Unified Republic of Stars and I've placed the entire story world into a wiki for your enjoyment.

If this is the kind of thing that rocks your boat, then head on over and take a look because spudWorks, sad to say, is basically dead these days.

FTC Mandated Disclosure
10.30.2009

Dear fine readers,

Due to a recent ruling by the FTC that spudWorks must comply with, we want you to know of any and all conflict of interests we may have while running this site. We do this, not because we give a shit about the law or what those fuckheads in Washington think we should do but because we want you, our loyal readers, to feel safe that any products mentioned on this site were not foisted on you by people pretending to represent your best interests while instead taking advertisers money and spending time drinking beer in, say... Munich... while you go out and buy these fine items at our urgings.

To that end, here is how spudWorks and all subsidiary corporations, tax shelters, and front companies act:

  1. All content on spudWorks is available for purchase or to have a fine product made in America, China, or any other fucking country willing to pay our bills and have the product's name and amazing qualities inserted into one of our high quality pieces of fiction. This includes, but is not at all limited to the following products:
    1. Cigarettes, especially those aimed at getting ex-smokers to start again or children to start for the first time. Little bastards, it puts hair on your chest and builds character.
    2. Alcohol. We will provide triple the promotional value if you actually provide spudWorks with a sample bottle (we prefer Scotch or Bourbon, thanks) and will insert the brand into no less than five stories to be published on spudWorks' usual publishing schedule. (Suckas!)
    3. Guns. We like them, so should everyone else. We're serious. No really, the rest may be a joke but not this. Have you ever fired a Desert Eagle? Fucking awesome.
    4. Products that can kill people at home. Mostly we're just offering this one as a fuck you to regulators. It'll cost you triple for half the space but, hey, who else is willing to stoop this low?
  2. Old editorials and stories may have products inserted in them, regardless of setting and/or period for a fee to be negotiated.
  3. A product image may replace the spudWorks banner at any time if the fee is worth it. And, fuck it, let's face it. The spudWorks brand ain't worth shit, so if you cough up a few shekels it's yours.
  4. We will gladly turn spudWorks into a porn site consisting of pirated pornographic images with your brand name and/or product photoshoped in for $1000 x ($1 + spudWorks annual revenue) each month. Make that a week. No... a month should be fine.
  5. We will sell or license all content on this site, and many of our friend's sites with or without their knowledge, for an appropriate fee.
  6. We will not advertise any Apple products. Why? You know what the difference is between a PC and a Mac user? A PC user can SHUT THE FUCK UP!
  7. Related to the previous item, Apple also fucked us when we tried to take our iPhone in for repair due to a faulty headphone jack and told us it was water damaged. Yeah. We keep our $400 phones charging in lakes and bathtubs. You know, because we're trying to screw you.

  8. We also won't take Microsoft money. Because they put out Vista. Of course, if you need a game tester for the XBox at six-figures a year, we might reconsider. High six-figures. Think close to seven.
  9. Music is a touchy subject. Linkin Park and their ilk is out. Bands like Vampire Weekend are on the bubble. Metallica, The Pixies, and a reformed Siouxsie and the Banshees are welcome. The rest, editorial guidelines and personal taste will determine eligibility and price.
  10. No products mentioned before Oct 30, 2009 were paid for. We just really like them and wish they would pay for placement. (Our rates are very reasonable.)
  11. Shit... You know what? What's the point of this list? You can have us for a cool million. Yes! You can own spudWorks and all of the eh... you know... quality... that spudWorks is known for. Then, you can put whatever crap you want here, selling god only knows what, and the current owners won't give a shit. Christ, we already don't! And if you've set up a factory in China to make whatever baby-killing product you're looking to sell, chances are you have a few bucks to shell out on a site. Right? Contact us. Please?

While we strive to be as open and honest with our readers as possible (when it serves our interests) spudWorks reserves the right to change this policy at any time without notifying anyone. In fact, we doubt we'll even bother to publish a revision if we do and we certainly won't link to it prominently.

But, dear readers, would you expect anything else from us, the staff at spudWorks Good Time Literature, Tax Preparation, and Bargain Second-Hand Music? Let's face it, we've published one story in a year an a half and, frankly, we'd sell your grandmother for two bucks and a quarter.

The truth is, we're whores. And if you've got a spare dollar, we'll hawk just about any product. Don't think of this as selling out. Think of it as how we can help you succeed by giving your product a prominant placement on this fine web pages.

Colin Ferm

President & CEO, spudWorks

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Copyright 1999-2009 Colin Ferm